1 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,230 Matteo, my son, he loves Halloween, 2 00:00:14,231 --> 00:00:19,888 and we were told we must see the haunted house on Rose Street. 3 00:00:19,889 --> 00:00:21,803 - Ready? Okay. - Yeah. 4 00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:24,066 I took him, and it was the worst 5 00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:27,156 haunted house in Toledo, if not the entire planet. 6 00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:28,550 Okay. 7 00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:32,248 Nothing was scary. 8 00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:34,729 Nothing. 9 00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:39,038 "Evacuation plan." Get ready to run away. 10 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:43,303 "Slippery when wet." 11 00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:46,697 Oh, look, the giant. A giant. 12 00:00:46,698 --> 00:00:50,832 There was one jump scare in the evil vegetarian kitchen. 13 00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:52,355 Aah! 14 00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:54,879 But at least they saved the best for last. 15 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:59,145 Oh, finally. Frankenstein's laboratory. 16 00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:00,537 Are you ready for this? 17 00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,061 Yeah! 18 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,279 Hey! 19 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,759 They couldn't afford the costume, 20 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:06,456 so they put Frankenstein in a tub. 21 00:01:06,457 --> 00:01:08,110 Scary? Not. 22 00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:10,765 But more nudity than I expected. 23 00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:14,290 He was stitched together from dead people. 24 00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:15,771 Triple bypass. 25 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,078 Matteo is a genius. 26 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,644 He put it perfectly. 27 00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:23,560 "Mom, this is the halfway house." 28 00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:27,869 I said, "Amore, yes, halfway between scary and a rip-off." 29 00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:30,741 In fact, I decided to write a review. 30 00:01:30,742 --> 00:01:34,224 "What to Fear at the Haunted House on Rose Street? 31 00:01:35,617 --> 00:01:36,573 Nothing." 32 00:01:36,574 --> 00:01:37,835 - Hey, B. - Huh? 33 00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:39,402 Can you please clean it up for me 34 00:01:39,403 --> 00:01:41,665 and put it online? Thank you.-Mm-hm. 35 00:01:41,666 --> 00:01:43,406 Esmeralda's a good writer, 36 00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:46,497 but she makes spelling mistakes, coming from Norway. 37 00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:52,720 All right. This baby's ready to go. 38 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:25,319 Just a little drop will do. 39 00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:29,887 Oh, my God. Detrick! Travis! 40 00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:32,761 The cop from the bar just wrote back. My office, ASAP. 41 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,980 Last week we went out for margaritas 42 00:02:35,981 --> 00:02:37,330 and urgent care nurses, 43 00:02:37,331 --> 00:02:39,897 but I found something even better. 44 00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:40,898 A cop. 45 00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:42,291 So I said to him, 46 00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:43,553 "We should hang out sometime." 47 00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:45,903 And he just got back, "How's today?" 48 00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:47,341 - Mmm. - So, what do I say? 49 00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:50,343 - How about yes? - Do you wanna hang out? 50 00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:52,997 Yes. We desperately need a source at the police station. 51 00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:56,479 But it's just happening so fast. I don't know how to... Um... 52 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,177 All right, I'm just gonna say yes. Yes. 53 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,657 Or no. Maybe I just like his text? 54 00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:02,093 - Yeah. - He can't hear this. 55 00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:03,225 - No. - Can he? 56 00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,357 - Okay. - I don't think so. 57 00:03:04,358 --> 00:03:06,315 Well, "Sick, dude." 58 00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:07,795 - Perfect. - And crying-eyes emoji. 59 00:03:07,796 --> 00:03:08,970 No? No? 60 00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:10,058 No, no, no, lose the emoji. No emoji. 61 00:03:10,059 --> 00:03:11,190 - No emoji. - Why? 62 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,800 People love emojis, I thought. 63 00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,541 Well, I don't think cops love emojis. 64 00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:17,283 You gotta text with your balls, Ned. Just do it sloppy. 65 00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:18,806 Oh, uh, yeah. 66 00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:22,853 "Maybe a ride-along or some shit." -Yeah. 67 00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:25,247 - Mm-hm. - Yeah. -Sloppy. 68 00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:26,727 - Yeah? - He's typing. 69 00:03:26,728 --> 00:03:27,858 - Typing. - Typing. 70 00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:29,556 "Did you go to college?" 71 00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,557 Too sloppy. 72 00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:32,820 Shoot. Yup. 73 00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:34,996 I'm just busy. I just say I'm busy. 74 00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:36,476 - Just be honest. - Sent. 75 00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:39,348 Okay. Okay. -Mm-hm. 76 00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:41,350 "Gun range in one hour." -Nice. 77 00:03:41,351 --> 00:03:42,612 - Ooh! - Okay. 78 00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:43,874 There you go. - There you go. 79 00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:46,355 Sweet. "Okay to bring my crew?" 80 00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:47,835 - Yes, yes? - You want us to come? 81 00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:50,185 - Yeah if you would like. Yes. - Sure. 82 00:03:50,186 --> 00:03:52,970 - Thumbs up. [laughing] Oh! - Nice, man. 83 00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:53,971 Good job, Ned. 84 00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:55,886 It is a date. Heart eyes. 85 00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:57,236 - No, no, no. - No? 86 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,759 No. No. 87 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,152 Hey, guys. Don't forget ear plugs. 88 00:04:02,764 --> 00:04:05,114 - Hey, I'm coming too. - Awesome. 89 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,811 People aren't going to shoot guns 90 00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:09,857 during work hours without me. 91 00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:11,989 I still don't know why Mare lied last week. 92 00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:13,643 You'd only lie to your best friend 93 00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:16,385 if you didn't wanna hurt their feelings 94 00:04:16,386 --> 00:04:21,695 or if you recently became addicted to drugs. 95 00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:24,001 - Hey, dork. - Hey. 96 00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:26,177 Yesterday, I found a coffee can under your car. 97 00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:28,789 Guess what was in it? A thousand dollars. 98 00:04:28,790 --> 00:04:30,660 - No way. That's amazing. - Yeah. 99 00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:32,532 It's free money. You can have 500. 100 00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:34,708 No, Nicole, that's your money. 101 00:04:34,709 --> 00:04:37,058 - You sure? - Yeah. 102 00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:40,322 You can spend it on anything. Nobody would know. 103 00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:44,065 Uh, no thanks. Look, can we talk about this later? I gotta go. 104 00:04:44,066 --> 00:04:46,373 - Later, dork. Bye. - Bye. Hey, Trav? 105 00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,420 - Pew! - I'm obviously relieved 106 00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:53,901 she doesn't have a drug problem. 107 00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:55,903 But since there's only one other thing 108 00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:57,426 she would keep secret from me, 109 00:04:57,427 --> 00:05:00,647 I think it's pretty obvious what's happening. 110 00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,519 Mare has a new best friend. 111 00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:05,739 I wonder who she could be. 112 00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:08,307 All right, remember, the paper needs the police. 113 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,875 We need them. We feed off their tips like a parasitic... 114 00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:14,400 What's more noble than a parasitic worm? 115 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:17,359 - An eagle? - Yes. Like parasitic eagles. 116 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,970 So I will be saying certain things to them 117 00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:21,885 to make sure that they like us. 118 00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:23,452 So just play along. 119 00:05:25,890 --> 00:05:28,283 - Using notes. - Budweiser. 120 00:05:28,284 --> 00:05:29,329 Perps. 121 00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:31,983 Three fifty-seven. 122 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,073 Coors. Coors. 123 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,424 Oh, they got snacks. 124 00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:42,253 Jalapeño garbage pail fries with monkey sauce. Ew. 125 00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:44,168 - I bet they use seed oils. - Oh, that reminds me. 126 00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:46,301 There is a brutal takedown of Guy Fieri's restaurant 127 00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:49,304 in the New York Times. It is an iconic review. 128 00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:50,610 Coors. Coors. 129 00:05:50,611 --> 00:05:52,002 Buffalo Wild Wings. - Hey, Ned. 130 00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:53,656 Hey. Hank. How you doing? 131 00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:55,049 - Good. - Good to see you. 132 00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:57,181 This here is Detrick, this is Travis. 133 00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:59,880 This little shorty here is Mare. She's cool. 134 00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:01,795 - This your first time, Mare? - Hell, no. 135 00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,013 Three years in the 68th Armored. 136 00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:04,711 - Oh-ho-ho! Wow. - Wow. 137 00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:06,190 Thanks for your service. 138 00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:08,105 Mare here has popped more caps than a milliner. 139 00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:10,717 - Jesus, Ned. - It's a hat-maker. 140 00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:12,022 You guys want some snacks? 141 00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:13,415 You gotta try the garbage pail fries. 142 00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:14,938 Do you know if they use seed oil? 143 00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:16,853 - Shut up, Lisa. Ha-ha. - Ow! Shit. 144 00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:18,507 Garbage pail's right here, am I right? 145 00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:20,596 Load them in. 146 00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:23,425 So you guys have any crossbows? 147 00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,384 No. 148 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,648 For real? Look, I'll just take that pistol. 149 00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,780 So how long have you worked at a paper? 150 00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:32,695 You ever think about radio news? 151 00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,567 I mean, radio's better than paper, right? 152 00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:38,440 Radio's, uh, pretty cool, especially classic rock. 153 00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:40,529 The Eagles, am I right? 154 00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:41,791 The thing about news is, 155 00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:43,314 you're only as good as your sources. 156 00:06:43,315 --> 00:06:44,446 Well, fair's fair. 157 00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:45,534 I mean, if a guy slips you 158 00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:47,188 something good off the record 159 00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:50,017 and you make him look good and he gets a promotion, 160 00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:51,671 well, you get better stuff next time. 161 00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:52,672 - Mm-hm. - Couldn't agree more. 162 00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:53,977 Oh, yeah. 163 00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:55,501 And you'd never show body cam footage, right? 164 00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,155 Shut the [bleep] up, Bobby. 165 00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,549 Body cams are a great tool for accountability. 166 00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,551 - Yep. - What are you shooting, Mare? 167 00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,987 Desert Eagle. 168 00:07:03,988 --> 00:07:05,424 I know it's not the most practical, 169 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,468 but I can't help myself. 170 00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:07,687 You can handle the kick? 171 00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:09,689 Easy, Bobby. Keep it in your pants. 172 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:12,301 Bobby, why don't you go check on the car? 173 00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:14,825 Humiliating. 174 00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:18,915 Sorry about that, guys. Dayton transfer. 175 00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:20,917 Dayton. I should have guessed with that face. 176 00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:25,879 - Hey. Let's light these up. - Let's rain some lead. 177 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,620 - Yeah. - All right. Come on. 178 00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,100 Crushing it. 179 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,842 Nice, nice. 180 00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:38,065 I'm bringing cases on all you bitches, huh? 181 00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,675 Oh, oh! 182 00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:43,940 - King Kong ain't got shit on me. - Detrick? Detrick. Just-- 183 00:07:43,941 --> 00:07:45,681 - Come on. - Oh. 184 00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:48,468 King Kong ain't got shit on me. 185 00:07:53,603 --> 00:07:55,386 - Damn. - Dang. 186 00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:56,519 - Mm! - Wow! 187 00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:03,743 Hank. 188 00:08:03,744 --> 00:08:07,051 First Amendment, Second Amendment, best of friends. 189 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,370 - What was that? - That was you. 190 00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:24,633 Unless there's a second-grade girl behind you. 191 00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:27,506 No, what...? What bit me? 192 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,247 - What? - Something just bit me on the ankle. 193 00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:31,466 Jesus Christ. 194 00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:33,381 What? Like a snake? 195 00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:35,252 Get your head out of your ass, Bobby. 196 00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:38,038 It wasn't a snake. This is a gun range. It was like a rat. 197 00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:41,258 A fricking rat just ran out and bit my ankle, 198 00:08:41,259 --> 00:08:42,999 just when I was shooting my pistol. 199 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,220 - A rat? - Yes. Goddamn it. I hate rats. 200 00:08:46,221 --> 00:08:49,310 Ned? Ned. 201 00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:51,442 - It bit you? - Did you see it? 202 00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:52,705 No. Are...? 203 00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,576 - Damn it. - Can I just see--? Okay. 204 00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:56,709 Okay. Let's just... 205 00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:02,889 Ned, are you okay? 206 00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:05,283 Goddamn it. It broke the skin. Shit. 207 00:09:09,244 --> 00:09:10,897 Hey. 208 00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:12,289 It was definitely a rat. 209 00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,857 It was a brown rat. It bit me and ran off. 210 00:09:14,858 --> 00:09:16,424 - Where? - I don't know, Hank. 211 00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:17,991 The rat hole? 212 00:09:17,992 --> 00:09:20,471 Damn it, Ephraim, do we really have freaking rats here? 213 00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:21,648 I hate rats. 214 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,870 Can you show us where it got you? 215 00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,002 No, no, no, 'cause it's... 216 00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:31,092 - No, we need to see. - Sure. 217 00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:35,269 It's not a big deal. I'll live. 218 00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:37,314 Ugh! -Mare: 219 00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:40,143 - Gnarly, man. - Yep, vicious little bastard. 220 00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:42,624 Hey. Don't worry, man. When we catch it, 221 00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:43,930 you can blow it away. 222 00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,759 It would be my pleasure, Hank. 223 00:09:47,021 --> 00:09:48,631 - Hey, Esmeralda. - Yes? 224 00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:53,113 Your piece on the Rose Street House 225 00:09:53,114 --> 00:09:56,333 is something else. I'm actually moved. 226 00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:58,901 Everyone is talking about my review 227 00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:01,556 of the Halloween House, you know? 228 00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:04,559 It's a sensation. 229 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:09,303 "Thank you for writing this. These people aren't monsters." 230 00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:12,175 I know, they're not. That's why it's lame. 231 00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:15,832 "Finally, an article from you that didn't suck." 232 00:10:18,008 --> 00:10:19,313 Someone gets it. 233 00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:21,315 If Mare thinks she can drop me 234 00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:22,533 as her best friend, 235 00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:24,057 she should know that it's gonna be 236 00:10:24,058 --> 00:10:26,146 a very soft landing. 237 00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:27,974 I had a different best friend before Mare. 238 00:10:27,975 --> 00:10:29,236 I can just go back to her. 239 00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:31,021 Hey, Lola. Free for lunch? 240 00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:34,850 You got a lot of nerve coming back here. 241 00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,678 - I know. - No, no. 242 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:41,945 I-I do not get involved with the lives of my coworkers, period. 243 00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:48,081 But things between Adelola and Nicole haven't been the same 244 00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:51,214 since Nicole and Mare became best friends. 245 00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:53,652 Also, Nicole's college friend Krysta 246 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,784 was talking shit about Adelola, 247 00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:57,699 and Nicole did not have her back. 248 00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:59,614 So... 249 00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:00,876 I guess you forgot I like the ones 250 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,357 that you can peel apart. 251 00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:05,315 - Oh. - I like to call it 252 00:11:05,316 --> 00:11:07,404 The Real Single Ladies of Toledo. 253 00:11:07,405 --> 00:11:08,928 If you don't know the backstory, 254 00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,886 these guys were hot and heavy lunch buds. 255 00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:13,933 Then Mare gets hired, for a while it's a three-way. 256 00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:17,023 Until one day, Mare shows up with only two boba teas 257 00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:19,721 and Adelola, she gets left out. 258 00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,810 It was brutal. 259 00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:23,682 You're a fan too? 260 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,335 This show gives me a reason to live. 261 00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:26,686 It's fine. 262 00:11:29,514 --> 00:11:32,691 Honestly, guys, I'm gonna be fine. It's fine. 263 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,040 I'm worried that you lost a lot of blood. 264 00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,737 Your foot is like, snow white. 265 00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:37,086 His whole leg's white. 266 00:11:37,087 --> 00:11:39,045 - Then why is the bite blue? - Okay. 267 00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:41,047 "Rat bites can turn blue with the presence of 268 00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,092 Streptobacillus moniliformis." 269 00:11:43,093 --> 00:11:44,703 - That sounds awful. - Yes. Yes. 270 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,052 You're not gonna sue, yeah? 271 00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:48,924 I mean, still the two amendments, right? 272 00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:50,796 Forget about it. 273 00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,711 I think we gotta catch this rat, sir. 274 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,016 Make sure it's not rabid. 275 00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,626 It's not rabid, Travis. 276 00:11:55,627 --> 00:12:00,719 And Hank, ain't nobody suing nobody, all right? 277 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,939 This has been super fun, guys. I'll catch you again. 278 00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,289 Oh, and Hank? 279 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:08,815 Hit me up if you got any tips. 280 00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:13,383 We have to write this up, right? 281 00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:15,516 I mean, there could be rabies. 282 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,824 You really think there's rabies in this town? 283 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,347 I have nieces. 284 00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:22,871 There's way worse diseases than rabies out there. 285 00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:24,873 You ever heard of the Black Death? 286 00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:26,701 It would make you wish for rabies. 287 00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:28,659 Kendra, I'm not telling you how to parent. 288 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,271 I'm just saying, tell them not to play with rats. 289 00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:32,794 Why is this a fight? 290 00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:34,970 I know that you don't wanna lose your new source, 291 00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:37,320 but this is a potential public health hazard. 292 00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:38,931 Mare. 293 00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:42,412 People don't buy the paper to read about us, all right? 294 00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,371 There's no section called "The Editor's Ankle." 295 00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:47,114 - Yeah. - So let's just get back to work. 296 00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:54,207 I don't think we should listen to Ned on this one. 297 00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:56,252 Uh... Okay. 298 00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:58,777 He's putting the paper first like usual. 299 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,300 He doesn't wanna lose his new source, 300 00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:01,562 and he'd rather let his foot fall off 301 00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:03,259 than advocate for himself. 302 00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:05,958 Why don't you guys go pull the snack bar's health records? 303 00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:07,742 Okay? I'm gonna find some rat experts. 304 00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:09,439 All right. We're on it. 305 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,224 Just you and me on this one, Trick. 306 00:13:12,704 --> 00:13:15,750 So I've been called D, Big D, Detective Rick, 307 00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:18,318 Debt with a B, Detrick, give me more. 308 00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:19,667 Like, honestly, it's hard for me 309 00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,277 to find nicknames I don't vibe with. 310 00:13:21,278 --> 00:13:23,627 But Travis has a gift for it. 311 00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,849 - The Icky-Tricky Boys, back at it. - Yep. 312 00:13:31,549 --> 00:13:32,767 There you are. 313 00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:35,161 So I hear your mom's in town-- 314 00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:37,077 - No ketchup? - Uh-- 315 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,036 Yeah. Of course. 316 00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:45,649 Oh, Nicole. Fetching condiments. 317 00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:48,000 The ultimate lunchtime humiliation. 318 00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:49,610 That's why I love Adarina. 319 00:13:49,611 --> 00:13:51,438 She's gonna make you work for it. You want back in? 320 00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:52,918 You'll be crawling on your knees. 321 00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:54,833 - Adelola. - Whatever. 322 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,837 The positive comments from my article keep rolling in. 323 00:14:00,361 --> 00:14:02,144 And now I have an invitation 324 00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:07,976 from NPR to talk to someone named Gross Terry. 325 00:14:07,977 --> 00:14:12,415 He is probably one of those obnoxious morning DJs. 326 00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:14,941 Should I do it? Or should I blow him off? 327 00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:19,946 Ahh! 328 00:14:23,514 --> 00:14:26,908 I heard that you have been bitten by a rat. 329 00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:30,607 - Yeah. - What a weird thing to happen to a man. 330 00:14:30,608 --> 00:14:32,871 They usually eat garbage. 331 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,961 Are you garbage, Ned? 332 00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:39,529 The universe has no reason to punish me. 333 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:42,315 But if it did, Esmeralda getting a Terry Gross 334 00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:45,100 interview on Fresh Air today for her progressive editorial 335 00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:48,234 would be an effective way of doing so. 336 00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,714 Who was the real victim here? 337 00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:53,935 Ned with the gun, or the little rat, 338 00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:56,416 who was probably a single parent? 339 00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:59,375 Uh-huh. And why would it run towards a loud sound 340 00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:00,550 like a gunshot? 341 00:15:00,551 --> 00:15:02,074 You got the photo I sent, right? 342 00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:03,597 It doesn't look like a rat bite. 343 00:15:03,598 --> 00:15:05,338 How do you explain the wound? 344 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,775 Um... Maybe a Bic? 345 00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:10,560 - What? - Or a Uni-Ball? 346 00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:12,258 Uh-- No. No. 347 00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:15,435 We have visual confirmation that it was definitely a rat. 348 00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,393 Thank you for your time. Bye. 349 00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:21,963 - Hey. - What's up, Mare? 350 00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:24,923 - How'd it go? - So the snack bar's records came back spotless. 351 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,228 Passed every inspection. No rats, no droppings ever. 352 00:15:27,622 --> 00:15:30,058 Ephraim is really tearing himself up about this. 353 00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:33,844 - Ephraim? - Ephraim Nikoliades. Lovely man. 354 00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,585 Can you guys go back one more time? 355 00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:37,848 And just check the outside of the gun range? 356 00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:39,328 If the rat isn't from the kitchen, 357 00:15:39,329 --> 00:15:40,634 where is it coming from? 358 00:15:40,635 --> 00:15:42,811 You want us to go look for a rat hive? 359 00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:45,465 - Get moving. - Okay. 360 00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:46,641 Okay. 361 00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:51,079 - It's crazy, man. - Yeah, crazy. Come on. 362 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:55,475 All right. Come on, Tricky J. D-Bag Slim. 363 00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:56,955 What's going on with these two? 364 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,391 I don't know, don't care. 365 00:15:58,392 --> 00:16:00,959 Not interested in the dynamics with men. 366 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,569 Hm. 367 00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:04,658 - Tricky Diddles. - Stop. 368 00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:06,355 I really think we need to get back 369 00:16:06,356 --> 00:16:07,966 to the Glass Club crusade. 370 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,098 I'm not gonna stop the rat story, 371 00:16:10,099 --> 00:16:12,274 but it is a very small story. 372 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,755 It's probably more, like, one line in the police blotter. 373 00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,626 Because I'm not-- I'm fine. 374 00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:18,193 Adam? 375 00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:21,980 - Hi, honey. How was the doctor? - I'm pregnant again. 376 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,156 No, you were just pregnant. You had the baby. 377 00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:26,723 I know. And then you said you got a vasectomy. 378 00:16:26,724 --> 00:16:29,378 I did get a vasectomy. Remember? 379 00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:31,163 I went to the best surgeon in Ensenada. 380 00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:32,642 It's next to the fish taco place. 381 00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:34,470 They went in through my back. Labrosopic. 382 00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:36,690 I woke up in a bath of ice holding a margarita. 383 00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:38,344 They swiped your kidney, kid. 384 00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:39,823 No, it was a vasectomy. 385 00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:41,651 I don't think they would have given me $500 386 00:16:41,652 --> 00:16:42,913 for my kidney, Barry. 387 00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:44,393 - Adam. - What? 388 00:16:44,394 --> 00:16:47,527 I envy what Adam and Summer have. 389 00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:49,008 Sex. 390 00:16:50,139 --> 00:16:51,618 - We're back. - Hey. 391 00:16:51,619 --> 00:16:53,185 You'll never believe this. 392 00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:55,274 There's a lab a hundred feet away from the gun range. 393 00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,841 Check this out. Check it out. 394 00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,147 So Travis took some pictures, 395 00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:00,496 I interviewed a scientist. 396 00:17:00,497 --> 00:17:02,020 - They got hella rats. - Shut up. 397 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,326 But there's one problem. All their rats are white. 398 00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:07,026 Okay. What do we know? 399 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,549 The rat was brown. 400 00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,899 The brown rat bit a man in a gun range. 401 00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,206 The lab is less than a hundred feet away 402 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,382 but all their rats are white. 403 00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:18,167 I mean, if they're telling the truth. 404 00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:21,561 Okay. New info. 405 00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:23,606 There's a cosmetics lab about a hundred feet away. 406 00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:24,781 The rats are probably coming 407 00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:26,261 to the gun range from the lab, right? 408 00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:29,395 Drawn by the loud gunfire and acrid smoke? 409 00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,875 Well, and the fries. 410 00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:35,096 No rat has ever behaved like that. 411 00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:38,535 Unless someone completely rewired its brain. 412 00:17:41,451 --> 00:17:44,540 Hm. And what would be the expected property tax 413 00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,108 on 100 acres of residential land? 414 00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:50,024 Hm. See, that's... That's a lot. 415 00:17:50,025 --> 00:17:51,939 - Hey. You got a moment? - Sure. 416 00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,420 Can I call you back? Thanks. 417 00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:55,465 Okay. 418 00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:57,901 So the key to this is, 419 00:17:57,902 --> 00:18:00,121 the rat behaved in a really weird way. 420 00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,340 It sparked my curiosity, 421 00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:03,124 so I interviewed a rat behavior expert. 422 00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:05,909 Now, a normal rat wouldn't run out in the middle of gunfire 423 00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:07,389 and just aggressively bite a human. 424 00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:09,217 Have you ever heard of a rat that would do that? 425 00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:13,003 But a lab rat that's being experimented on, maybe. 426 00:18:13,004 --> 00:18:16,050 But then we realized that the cosmetics store is just a front. 427 00:18:16,051 --> 00:18:17,878 Behind the lab with the white rats 428 00:18:17,879 --> 00:18:20,010 is most likely a secret lab where somebody... 429 00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:21,708 I don't freaking know, the military? 430 00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:25,103 ...is funding research on a rat that runs towards gunfire, 431 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,583 weaponizing an aggressive wartime rat, either as a, 432 00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:29,150 you know, end in itself, 433 00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:31,326 maybe carrying a little explosive backpack or something, 434 00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:34,156 or as a prototype for the same experiment on humans. 435 00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:36,331 Forget the Glass Club, 436 00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:37,550 this should be our crusade. 437 00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:39,247 This could be our Pulitzer. 438 00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:40,423 Hm. 439 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,297 I don't know why he's not more excited. 440 00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:46,777 Hm. 441 00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:51,173 Unless... he lied. 442 00:18:56,918 --> 00:18:58,048 - Hey, Ned? - Hm? 443 00:18:58,049 --> 00:18:59,441 This is Ashley. 444 00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:00,877 She's gonna be giving you your rabies shot. 445 00:19:00,878 --> 00:19:02,531 Since you were bit by a rat. 446 00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:05,491 Oh, yeah. So... I-I don't think the rat actually had rabies. 447 00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:07,928 If you don't get the shot, you could die. 448 00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:08,973 Okay. 449 00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:14,326 Jesus. That's the shot? 450 00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:15,458 One of five. 451 00:19:18,287 --> 00:19:19,940 Cool. 452 00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:24,162 That's actually a boba straw I spray-painted silver. 453 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,989 And Ashley isn't really a nurse. 454 00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:28,427 I went to high school with her, and we both did musical theater. 455 00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:30,168 You'll be getting two injections today. 456 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,648 One is the vaccine, one is the rabies immune globulin. 457 00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:34,259 After this, you'll get three more shots. 458 00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,999 We'll be seeing a lot more of each other. 459 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,351 Wow. No idea this was such a long process. 460 00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:42,137 But you have to do it, because you were bit by a rat. 461 00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:44,139 - Right? - Right. 462 00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:47,315 I wish I wasn't, but I was. 463 00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:50,666 Side effects include chills, dizziness, fever, seizures, 464 00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:53,365 necrosis at the injection site, vomiting, diarrhea, 465 00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:56,106 increased likelihood of stroke, rectal bleeding, hair loss-- 466 00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:58,544 - Hair loss? - Also rectal bleeding. 467 00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:00,199 Yeah. That was in there. 468 00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,725 All right, all right, let's do it. 469 00:20:05,726 --> 00:20:06,770 Oh, no. 470 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,305 Sir? 471 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,656 No. 472 00:20:23,831 --> 00:20:26,398 The shots are so large to penetrate the abdominal wall. 473 00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:28,530 - Yes. - I like to go in through the navel. 474 00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:30,750 - Just do it. Do it now. - Okay. 475 00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:34,232 I mean, it was not what you would expect. 476 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,104 He was looking forward to be scared. 477 00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:41,456 But in the end he told me, "Mom, that was nothing." 478 00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:45,808 So even your young son wasn't afraid. That says something. 479 00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:52,511 Exactly. No matter what anyone tells you, not scary. 480 00:20:52,512 --> 00:20:54,034 Okay, if you're just joining us, 481 00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,254 - my guest is Esmeralda Grand. - Yes. 482 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,778 She's the online editor of the Toledo newspaper... 483 00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:00,432 - TTT Online. - ...The Truth Teller. 484 00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:01,607 Yes. 485 00:21:01,608 --> 00:21:03,261 - And I want to-- - Thank you. 486 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,437 Hi. Ciao, America. I love you. 487 00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:09,441 So, Esmeralda, in order to challenge people's stereotypes, 488 00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:12,008 you wrote about a halfway house. 489 00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:13,923 But you wrote about it satirically, 490 00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:16,056 as if it were a haunted house 491 00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:19,626 that wasn't very successful at scaring people. 492 00:21:24,848 --> 00:21:26,327 Yes. 493 00:21:26,328 --> 00:21:29,157 Do you have any sense of what can be changed? 494 00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:31,724 Well, allora, at first, 495 00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:35,858 my thoughts were a dead bride, crying blood, 496 00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:38,774 and maybe a clown with a huge knife. 497 00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:44,954 But now, I would say maybe, I think, more social workers. 498 00:21:44,955 --> 00:21:47,566 Okay, I think I see what's happening here. 499 00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:49,307 My apologies to listeners. 500 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:53,049 We're gonna have to end this misguided interview. 501 00:21:53,050 --> 00:21:56,314 Thank you. Thank you, Terry, to having me here. 502 00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:58,316 Ciao, America. I love you. 503 00:21:58,317 --> 00:21:59,969 Oh, great job, Louis. 504 00:21:59,970 --> 00:22:02,321 Yes, Louis, great job. Thank you. 505 00:22:03,191 --> 00:22:04,365 Now, if there's any reason 506 00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:06,019 you don't want this strong woman 507 00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:08,674 to plunge a giant needle into your stomach, 508 00:22:08,675 --> 00:22:10,676 I feel like now's the time to say something. 509 00:22:10,677 --> 00:22:14,636 No. I need to prevent rabies. Because of my rat bite. 510 00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:17,510 So do it. Just do it, do it, do it. Come on, come on. 511 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,426 Okay. 512 00:22:21,905 --> 00:22:25,431 Just... Can you wait outside, Ash? 513 00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,173 Sorry. 514 00:22:32,263 --> 00:22:35,788 Dude, what is wrong with you? 515 00:22:35,789 --> 00:22:38,443 You'd really rather let her stab you in the stomach 516 00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:40,270 than just admit there was no freaking rat? 517 00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:43,056 I mean, why? Why do you have such a desperate need 518 00:22:43,057 --> 00:22:44,536 to impress this cop? 519 00:22:44,537 --> 00:22:47,844 I don't have a desperate need to impress a cop. 520 00:22:50,412 --> 00:22:52,545 You hit the bullseye on your first shot. 521 00:22:53,894 --> 00:22:55,939 - Dude. - You were in the Army. 522 00:22:58,768 --> 00:23:01,509 In all honesty, when the gun startled you, 523 00:23:01,510 --> 00:23:03,250 was it the bang or the recoil? 524 00:23:03,251 --> 00:23:04,557 It pinched my finger. 525 00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:08,691 Bang! 526 00:23:10,258 --> 00:23:11,389 - Oh, my God. - Damn it. 527 00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:12,391 You're cute. 528 00:23:13,957 --> 00:23:15,742 You're really cute. 529 00:23:17,439 --> 00:23:21,051 - Thank you. - And you have a cute tushy. 530 00:23:30,321 --> 00:23:31,626 Wait, what? 531 00:23:31,627 --> 00:23:33,149 She thought I left her out? 532 00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:35,456 I just thought Adelola didn't like Japanese food. 533 00:23:35,457 --> 00:23:37,066 Oh, my God. 534 00:23:37,067 --> 00:23:38,764 - Hey. - Hey. 535 00:23:38,765 --> 00:23:41,420 I think I forgot to get you one of these a while ago. 536 00:23:42,377 --> 00:23:43,422 Oh. 537 00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:45,641 Thanks. 538 00:23:48,731 --> 00:23:49,950 Where's the straw? 539 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:53,083 How am I supposed to drink this? 540 00:23:56,086 --> 00:23:58,871 And we're back.